MAPPING AFFAIRS AND RECOVERY FROM THEM

GENERAL

This chart shows the process most Class II Affairs move through. Two general concepts are apparent:

1. The spouse needs the freedom to have the same amount of time to recover as the infidel took during the affair.

2. The spouse must be as emotionally engaged in the “After Disclosure” process as the infidel was in the affair. To “sweep it under the rug, to forgive and move on, to pretend that this is not worth ruining the marriage, etc.”, is to guarantee an incomplete healing.

INFIDEL

Phase 1—Growing Mutual Attraction:
Growing feelings of attraction; still platonic until feelings of mutual attraction are shared

Phase 2—Emotional and Sexual Entanglement:
Start of the affair though erotic activity might not start for some time

Phase 3—Destabilization of the Affair:
Infatuation lessens, guilt encourages partners to try to stop relationship, but concern for each other encourages contact on an irregular basis

Phase 4—Disclosure and Resolution:
Depression, exhaustion, guilt, shame, discovery, etc., cause infidel to want to just “put it behind” him and move on

SPOUSE

Phase A—Awareness:
Noticing changes in mood, expenditures, schedule, appearances: The spouse develops a nagging concern that is initially discounted by her

Phase B—Anger:
Full blown suspicion, accusations, crying initiated; bouts of depression followed by anxiety and fear

Phase C—Anguish:
Anger, grilling and “putting the puzzle together” (dates, places, phone calls, etc.)

Phase D—Reattachment and Recovery:
Resolution, forgiveness, respect, and trust initiated

HOW LONG DO CLASS II AFFAIRS LAST?

Answer: Most Class II Affairs last no longer than 18-24 months. The beginning of the end is the start of the destabilizing process (Phase 3, Infidel’s Chart).

There are two, possibly three subgroups:

Subgroup 1—The Extended Affair:
Multiple years with sporadic contact built around annual professional conferences, business meetings, and education experiences

Subgroup 2—Soul Mate Marriage:
The infatuation doesn’t plateau and move into the destabilization phase within 8- 12 months of affair onset

Subgroup 3—Classmate Affair:
Escalating in this decade due to internet ease of locating old/first “loves”; a shared history and a still smoldering infatuation create a supercharged attraction

Q & A

1. I have asked my spouse repeatedly if they are having an affair. They always deny it and turn it back on me; making me think I’m crazy for asking. What should I do?

Answer: You have three choices: Circumstances, your own constitution and your personal convictions will impact which choice you make. Don’t waffle between options, choose one course and follow it tenaciously.

• You can choose to do nothing. Small children, lack of a career or education, illness or disability, lack of support are just some circumstances that might lead a spouse to decide not to pursue their current suspicions.
  
• You can pursue the truth. Before one commits to this practice, you must decide to go all the way in your pursuit. No half-hearted effort will work here. The question you must answer is: If I knew my spouse was having an affair, would I do things differently than I am doing now? If your response is “Yes”, then this is your option.
  
• You can prepare yourself for a future date when you will make a decision. Use this time to bring skills up to speed, find a job, collect emotional support, review financial records (and make copies), find a therapist.

2. I suspect my husband is having an affair and I am thinking of asking some of our friends to follow him on the nights he calls to say he has to work late. What do you think about doing this?

Answer: If your course of action is option 2, go for it. However, prior to doing this, explore your expectations and plan your response prior to finding out if your suspicions are true.

3. Is there a “best chance” time to confront a spouse about a suspected affair?

Answer: Most spouses will confront intuitively when they feel suspicious enough. If your goal is to “pull” your spouse away from the partner (in an intervention-style confrontation), it is usually best to do that during the destabilization phase of the affair.

4. Should you always try to save a marriage after a first affair?

Answer: Generally speaking “Yes”. If disclosure of an affair brings a knee-jerk reaction of divorce, both spouses often express regret later after having not worked harder at saving the union. General advice: Give it your best shot so as to not struggle with “what if’s”, “if only’s”, and other regrets should the marriage not workout.