| Denial
of Anger Is . . . |
Genuine
Forgiveness Is . . . |
| Unawareness of feelings |
Acute awareness of all feelings |
| No vacillations in attitude |
Cyclical/seasonal vacillation in attitude |
| Overly predictable relationship with tendency to gut it out,
to "stay committed" (i.e., simply married) without
much joy |
Unpredictability at times—the normal roller coaster
ride of a healthy marriage |
| No change in relationship style |
Many changes, some of which are quite frightening |
| Focusing on projects outside the self |
Focusing on the self and the marriage relationship |
| Acting out feelings, often injuring self and mater; or suppressing
feelings |
Ability to talk about feelings with mate |
| Nurturance received exclusively outside the marriage from
friends, children, job |
Beginning to give and receive nurturance from mate |
| Emotional heaviness; nothing as good as anticipated |
Freedom, exhilaration, feeling unbelievably alive at times. |
| Never being thankful for the fallout of the affair |
Gratefulness for the changes the affair has brought into the
marriage and the infidel's life |
| Refusal to discuss the affair with others who could benefit—intense
feelings of shame |
Ability to discuss the affair relatively pain-free, given
appropriate processing and the passage of some time |
| Less respect than ever for the infidel; carries cloaked disdain
for him/her |
Greater appreciation developing for mate |
| mental accusations of multiple infidelities |
Healthy, biblical sexuality; children benefit from new levels
of family intimacy |
| Continually placing sole responsibility for condition of marriage
on infidel |
Growing awareness of his/her own shortcomings that contributed
to the affair; shared responsibility |
| Victimized feelings ("one down") or superior feelings
("one up") |
healthy sense of wholeness without comparing self to infidel—growing
mutual self-respect |
